things come when you're ready

you come to a point when things are trashy in your life - family problems, school, headaches and heartaches, and so on. but if there's one thing I've learned in my fucking life, things balance each other. the universe is sort of a colossal template where each end usually meets if you ride the wave of life long enough. it's like a circle - perfect in form. you may find yourself in a tough, tight fit one moment and on the next second you're swimming in a pool of bliss. I speak based on the recent circumstances in my life. and what a circumstance it is.


not so long ago, I was laying down on a pool of nasty shit. school work sucks, family's a bit rough, death took its toll on a very close relative, respect I thought I earned was never given back. on top of it all, the only thing I had looked for for strength vanished as if it were just another bubble in my shitty life. the tropa I once knew disappeared into the horizon. I guess the found a better place for themselves. one found love, one found the group which provided a more favorable environment, one had the girls crawling all over him. well, I guess the had found a more thrilling situation to be in. I could only guess that they had been bored with the constant companions that offered them sanctuary every time they fell flat down on their faces. that's life. things change.

but as I've said things tend to balance their shit out. so I decide I'd go to manila for the summer to look for another environment (hopefully one that was favorable for me), to get away from the life that I was getting tired of - with everything falling down in front of my face. (including love lives)

unexpectedly, when I got to manila, I had one person back at home who kept texting me. I'd like to think that she was keeping me sane. (And I thank her for that) at first, I never thought of it as anything other than "me keeping in touch with a friend". but as we shared messages and got little details, it eventually stirred something up. a feeling of glee and expectation, a feeling of potential belonging and commitment. An event, I dare say, I never really considered for quite sometime. well, as she kept texting I kept thinking about possibilities. why not? I guess I was ready for another run... there was nothing wrong with considering another raising of the stakes, as it were... And I start to consider it, I suddenly remembered the philosophy that all thing come to you when you are ready. so if I thought I was ready, then this must be the thing that balances evrything in my life... an inspiration I have longed for for quite some time.

the passed few days, my work never seemed easier than it is now... every single minute is just another daydream. and the counting down of the clock to six in the evening became an inspiring sight. I would at last be able to talk to her again. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I wanted to get away from home because it didn't have the aura of the place I once knew, but when this girl came, it feels as though I'm ready to come back home...

at last!!! I have someone to look forward to..... I just hope it works out....

lonely? Huh!!! no shit!!!

too many people on too many instances, get pre-occupied with feeling. but does it really conspire to create a decent argument that a fault was made by another party?... shit happens, it's a given. do you really think that a person walks away to a life that sucks because he/she got nagged? or did he/she create the situation he/she was in? too many cases in too many instance's, it's all about what you get when you do something else you should NOT have done. in other words, it's an after-effect of what you imposed on yourself - a mere consequence of an action you have done. it's not because your weren't given the thing you wanted, its because you got what you initiated in the first place...
That's the irony, you think you made the right choice by following whatever it is that dictated you. but in the end, it rears its ugly head to bite you back. shit happens right? yup!!! I know!!! that's what I've been trying to say!!! for instance, I have had the distinct pleasure of being in the right place at the right time when this lovely young gal walks in. I had been bitten by the love bug. but instead of thinking logically, I had let the virus dictate my intellectual system - clouding every right judgment. I knew it wouldn't happen. I was there when the fate's told the world "This thing will never be." I never listened. now look where it has gotten me... misery, pain, call it what you must... some people may refer to it as loneliness... fuck... bottom line... thou shall not create a situation where you have no way out...
it's good to feel love, but know when to step back... kind of like what I did... I stepped back because I knew she wasn't what she was cracked-up to be... sure she was an ideal girl... but not every ideal girl or boy comes along to be yours... it's sooooooo funny when I hear them say there so lonely because of this and that... fuck!!! how the hell did you think it happened in the first place?! let me tell you how it happened... you made it happen!!! look at it this way... your judgment sucks!!! like mine did... it sucked so much I could smell it from half way around the goddamn world... its how you suck right now... let me to you that is one sick reformation of what I had been through.... =) talk about karma... =) and to think think you told me so yourself... It turns out you're not the hot shot you claim to be... I wish you could hear me laugh my guts out... hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ties

I did not count on things to go this far. I had always known there was a rift but not as big as this. Why can't they leave things the way they are - leave us they way we are? Love is acceptance, after all, isn't it? and family, supposedly, is the epiphany of love, shouldn't it be?

why must they look at us like we're dirt? are we not human as well? unique and radiant. dynamic, and self-sustained... Are we not made by the same hand of the same God they adore and praise?(if they truly praise Him) Do they think they are more blessed than the people beneath there stature?

I have grown to know them as loving and caring, nurturing and God praising individuals - as my own have taught me. I think I was mistaken into thinking so - mislead by the cruel twist of reality.

Why does every real thing I grew to know become just another dream? Was it because I never knew or spoke their language? Was it because I never shared their taste? Or was it because I was born of a native?
I have been taught that every blood-line deserves its people's pride. Why, then, are they looking at this poor little brown person as if he were a scum that clings to their shoes? I guess they did not go to the same school I did. they were never taught the things I was.

Has sorrow been fated to be my soul mate? was all these things inevitable? I feel as though I am isolated. and everything I held dear was slipping away from my tightest grip. first the love I so longed for keeps eluding me, then my friends slipped away as easily as I counted to three, now my family has fallen as the glue that held us together fell with age. I don't think I can bear the loss of the brother I never had. my closest cousin. I never thought it would come to this. And to think that I never had the chance to let him know I loved him like my own brother.

they were right. they were the only ones who were real in this twisted truth. they were the only ones who did not dwell in my fantasies. they were, is, and will always be my wall... the pillar of my abode. they were they ones who saved me when I was suffocating, when I was in need...
I see the world through troubled eyes, now. I have seen truth through there lies. I have been freed. freed from the hesitation of being me.

they have given me wings to fly, but I never have been able too look long enough to recognize them until now. I will not go and tear my life apart... I can't... I love them too damn much... I hope they know this... I will not let them down even if I could...

every glue losses its stick

clouded thoughts

through misty gloom,

sweet scent of

the vital scenes

reververates through the

midnight moon.

out thought by

the foes in the mind

demons battling,

taking over.

crouching down to

the abyss,

leaning to the

endless wall,

hoping it would hold

the weight

of them all.

shit!!!!

family beginning

to make sense,

child

beginning to

understand

the truth

the real

the insane fact

of life.

scared

of the frightful

creatures

i created.

now longing

to wrap an arm around

the wind that

has gone...

loving the lost...

longing for the unseen...

emptiness

fills the lonely afternoon

lies...

drifting to

the shadows of the mourning sun...

blinded by the

world's uttered deception...

life sucks,

but if it works...

you gotta love it...

death

I have had the pleasure of being with my grandmother for 19 years. I found her intimidating in most ways, but never have I experienced anything other than love from her. It's so surprising how two people can better be united by death. most of the time people think that death is the end of a union. however, I don't believe so. I have found out that death becomes a powerful way to make you closer. perhaps closer than you ever thought possible.
I could not deny the fact that I mourned. I was shocked when the news came. It seemed to soon. It seemed as though there were too many things left undone and things left unsaid. I never really showed my care or any form of love towards her. non-the-less, I loved her like she was my own mother.
her death, sudden and surprising as it had been, had absolutely opened my eyes to new doors. doors I never thought I would open in this lifetime or the next. I was not given the chance to tell her I loved her. Actually, now that I've thought about it... I was given my whole life to tell her I loved her, but somehow I never did... a mistake I hope I had not make. life for her was too short lived. at least, the life she should have experienced with me.

although, I was a factor in that matter. I had noticed too late that my visits meant more than it was seen to be. I regret the fact that I was dumb enough not to notice. Every time I heard a news that she was in the hospital, my heart lept. I felt my knees buckle and I find myself in front of my inner altar... praying... for her safety and health...
I had hoped to be there beside her as she waved the world goodbye. But I had neglect my responsibilities early on in the year... I would later find out that the consequence to my actions would be more than I could bear...
As she leaves this world and on to a better place... I wish her well... I wish that my tears would say how I feel... pho pho, much as I wasn't with you... I hope my love reaches you... I offer you the remaining time of my college education and dedicate my efforts in your memory... I had failed to say this when you were here and lively and now it's too late...

I love you Pho Pho... I hope you know that... I appreciate the stories and the advice... I appreciate the time you made me smile... your care and the affection that you've shown... I feel as though I had failed you... for that I am sorry...
I wish that this message would reach you... Is there an Internet in heaven?... I hope the connections there are clear... and as I type this journal... you are in my mind... and you will always be in my heart.... I love you pho pho... I love you...

help!!!!

shit comes once or twice in a lifetime and I can live with that... But dear Lord give me a break! is this still a lesson?! or are you just having fun watching me being tortured. there's only so much a wounded heart can take! My life is well lived. I don't think I've done any wrong to those around me. Why the karma?! why is everything falling right when I start building? I know it's shitty to ask, but why me?!!! for God's sake let me live my life!!! why do you keep the things I hold dear away from me?!!!! is it me?!!!! is there something wrong with me?!!! let me know, damn it!!! i need to know... please let me know... I wrote the words and shed the tears. I light the candle only to be extinguished. I find my treasure only to be taken away. I can feel my chest once more... imploding... as I walked through memory lane... first her, now HER... knowing that they could have given me that strength I needed to finish what you wanted me to finish... knowing that they could have given me the inspiration to walk through these other shits you've thrown at me.. and YOU! you take them away!!! what else do you what from my life that you have not yet taken?!!!! man this thing's crazy!!! No wonder I became an agnostic... I go to your church only to hear the priest preach the words you taught with which I sometimes disagree... I go to our sacred place in my heart, locking the doors for the privacy... and you stare at me... looking so malevolent and omniscient... I dare you to speak, but you never do... Lord what the hell must I do?!!! talk to me!!! I need you...

I kept everything inside... sometimes it hurts, but the hell... lesson learned... But Lord, I think my heart's already crowded... it's full and I can't take it!!!! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! holding on to these wonderfully excruciating memories just busts me wide open... I can feel my gut come out just when I start developing one!!! I AM THE MOST PATHETIC, USELESS, SORE, AND THE UNLUCKIEST INDIVIDUAL!!! Is this what you wanted for me?!!! suffer and learn?!!! and then suffer some more!!!! fuck you!!!! and fuck you some more!!!!!

dude... I only needed one that would go through winter, summer, spring, and fall with... I never asked you for more than one... is one too much to ask?!!! tell me this thing is leading me to better prepare for a future worth living... tell me there's some hope for me... tell me there's some higher logic out there... tell me that there's something really special that will come... I only need one dear Lord... just one... to ease the pain... to relieve me of this distress... just one... not a whole freakin' army... not one for every damn day of the week... JUST ONE!!!!!

the hardest thing to gain

Respect is
the hardest thing to gain...
with every shed of blood and pain...
my chest pounds
and blood rises to my brain...
I pop...
I tried to kick the shit out
of my bedroom door...
nothing happened
and the pain was kept hidden...
I crouched down
beside the bed
and wept...

shit part three

isn't it obvious?

when you fell

and the world fell with you

the silent agony

of the soul that burns

with the others that went along

the silent masquerade

of the only thing you seek

the lone look

of the one that is...

solitary in the midst of the crowd

silence in a noisy room

darkness in the middle of the afternoon...

i lie

to a self...

i lie

to hide the shame...

i lie

to eliminate the torture...

refusal to give-in is second nature

but the will to fight

is dampened

by the ever oppressive hurt

that goes along with it

the more you fight

the more you pull away

the more they stick

and bite you again...

isn't it obvious?

when the lived life you chose

begins with the step you took

and at the finish line

when you thought you have won

someone else stands

and your glory dies down...

i lived to live

but when shit comes

living seems to be torment

as lifeless limps of what used to be me

hang on the edge

i look down and see my grave

with the friends i thought was mine

respect given

never returned

respect i thought i earned

i lay down the path i chose

thinking my God will come...

he never did...

my life ends in the dusty attic above

all light fades

and the distant dark reveals its shape

isn't it obvious?

why does no one else see?

the obvious is there.

believe me...

every little thing

two hours of complete

isolation...

worlds collide

as emotions run wild...

empty, dry...

at the same time, high...

of what?...

i can only guess...

of her scent?

of her image?

of her?

of her in general...

no one really cares...

except me...

in my world of eternal damnation

in my world of ever thoughtful screams

in my world of torment and despair

light shines

paths reveal

a universe explodes

in a wounded chest...

all I need a day

is one glance at this princess

they call friend

I die happy...

knowing once...

she took the time to look at me....

signs

we encounter signs all our lives. some times we see it, other times we don't. there are of course signs that stare you right in the face and those that are subtle. the weird thing about it is that most often than not we ignore the signs we shouldn't. it's like smoking in a no smoking area or making a left turn on a one way street. I guess it a thing with most Filipinos. we, sometimes, don't give a shit about signs.

the signs I would like to talk about, though, are not the signs we see posted on boards and shit. the signs I'm talking about are the intangible things (I hate to talk about stuff that gives me goose bumps, but in this case I'll make an exception) - like signs of love.

I talked to a girl the other day, who had absolutely no idea what she wanted. she couldn't make up her mind. It was sad to think that the love this girl was looking for was the love staring her in the face. And she just couldn't see it.(Mostly, though, it affects me because I can relate.) the thing is we don't know that we want something until its gone. I'd have to say its shitty when things don't go the way you planned. But that's the way the world works. it's crazy, but it's life's spice.(do you get what I mean?)

people sometimes expect something to come from the left all the while forgetting that it could come from the right. we have this paradigm that sets everything in our minds. we'd like to think of it as creating order in an effort to make our messed up lives a little easier. this is how its suppose to be. Or so we would like to think. I say we need to compromise sometimes. we, at the very least, need to keep it open to possibilities. who knows? the man or woman you could be looking for is the guy you thought was the "no one" in front of you.

love shits but that's how it is. I'm blind when it comes to signs for myself, but damn it people. your signs are too damn obvious! Get it together and realize "hey, shit... Your right there... all this time I thought you were somewhere else..."

shit!!!

Tuesday, 10th of January. I sat across the beauty that was her. I could not blink. I could neither stare. hoping that this moment never found an end.

I sat across the beauty that was her. I suffered. I could not tell her. with my pen and my feelings well at hand, I wrote out of my misery and into a fantasy. I left the world longing for the embrace of a woman that could never be... mine...

I sat across the beauty that was her. But as she got up and left, I could not bare the sorrow boiling in my chest. she waved them goodbye. and I... I started to die... Watched her glide away. She waited, That much I guessed. but I could never muster the courage to pluck the fruit so gracefully dangling from the tree that was drawing me. A bite... that was the one thing I wanted... A bite out of love... Then again, the snake that was cowardice bit me first. and so I die. with the venom in my veins, I wept.

I could not take the pain. alas, this was my fate. a love that could never be.

screams

Screams...

I hear them

from iside

my walls...

I hear them

everywhere I go...

I hear them

in my solace

and in my sleep...

Screams of broken dreams...

I hear them

while I die...

Screams...

of souls unwanted...

of battered dreams

locked in the fortress

of torment...

I hear them plead...

pain overwhelms...

living in a life that should nver be...

living and longing for death...

trapped in a body...

a soulless shell...

black spots

“I’ve been here before.” P said with a faint sigh full of grief and consumed by agony.

WEDNESDAY, 4th of January: He was, now, in his usual mode – a mode that he never wished to come. Again and again he has entered this long, winding, dark and agonizing tunnel. A tunnel, he calls his life. He had experienced this countless times before, but he did not like it for a bit. He guessed no matter how much something becomes a routine, it didn’t mean that he’d get used to it. Down the path he has experienced a lot. Mostly bad habits and evil desires, but he was always pushed back to the lighter side of things by people who had become part of his family.

“What’s up P?!” Al shouted with a huge smile on his face and glee radiating from his very identity.

“Just peachy man…” He responded with utmost sarcasm.

He felt annoyed and insulted by this joyous state of his friend. Just the same, he was glad to see a “brother” happy. He had been the bridge for this brother’s now astounding source of joy. He felt quite pleased with himself for this feat. With a faint smile, he glanced at his friend. Ever welcoming the atmosphere he brings.

“At least it’s a change…” He thought.

“I AM SOOOO psyched!!!” Al said with unfazed smile still on his face.

“What the hell are blabbering about?”“I have just experienced HEAVEN dude! It was absolutely THE most… I can’t even think of a word to describe it…”

“Good for you…”

“She’s the best man. I’d be stupid to let this one go.”

“You know… That’s something for change. I thought you were the picky one?”

“What the fuck is with you today? You’re sourer than your average.”

“C’mon man… You know me… forgive my emoshit…”

“Damn right I know you! You weren’t always like this dude.”

The winding conduit has led him to find a part of himself he never knew existed. But in the process, he has lost the beautiful side of his being. He had guessed that this trail was assembled when he had lost the only being he swore to revolve his existence around. P never thought he changed that much though.

“I guess I just got used to it.” He thought. But this was the one thing he was scared of… Getting used to a feeling like this. It wasn’t getting him anywhere.

“I miss the old P. you know… the one friend I can always count on for a smile.” Al added.

“That’s the thing man… You better get use to this one…”Al looked at P with a mixture of hopeless persistence and a friendly urging.

“C’mon man… I’m just saying… You’d be better off like you used to.”

“Well,… Here’s a sad fact… I think this P is here to stay… I don’t think the Old P is coming back…”

“Keep your head up dude. Time will come.”

“Time will come?... I guess... But I really don’t think he’s coming back...”WEDNESDAY, 4th of January: -End-

cosmic treasure

The golden orb shines in the cosmos above.

Heaven's jewels glitter in the night sky.

The clouds are as soft as the wings of a dove.

The stars are like twinkling eyes.

These are treasures of the universe.

Wealth in which we cannot immerse.

Gems which are not as they appear.

We cannot take them though we do desire.

They are there only for us to admire.

Those grand jewels of such great measure.

Heaven's own priceless treasure.

Like you to me.

assasin's grief

an old oak tree stood firm on top of a hill. it overlooked the entire world. the tree had witnessed countless events - some historic, some personal. it had witnessed empires rise and crumble, misery, drought, wars. But none could prepare it to watch the torment of one man's soul.

the tree stood peacefully as it looked over the world on one glorious day. it was marveling at the worlds beauty when a stranger came and sat beneath its branches. the tree wondered what the man was doing. it seemed as if he was there to relax and that always made the tree happy - seeing people sit at its roots and ease away the pain of life. the tree felt that its worth when people come to treat it as their sanctuary. but as the tree gladly accepted this stranger, it felt something burn from within the man. a feeling the tree has never felt before. the tree wondered what it was and it decided to take a closer look at the man.

the next moments were unforgettable for the tree. as it surveyed the man, it quickly realized that the man's hands were blood stained. his eyes were hollow and as cold as death. the tree was taken aback. the man has clearly killed. the man laid down and the tree was given a better view of his visitor. his eyes said everything the tree had to know. this man had seen enough bloodshed to last the tree's lifetime. he exchanged gold for life - his and others. the eyes of the stranger frightened the tree. it was as if an arctic breeze went by as he looked deeper.

"how can a man live through a life with the burden of death in his conscience?" the tree asked itself. the man noticed the tree and wondered how old the tree was. he circled the tree once and then stared at it for a few moments. and in that single moment they had a connection. the tree realized that the man was not alive. his dead soul was trapped inside a living vessel. a wall of torment. a cage of suffering. the tree felt sorry for the man. so it opened its heart and offered the man its embrace. the man felt this offer. but instead of returning the warmth, he carved his name on the tree. it was not what the tree expected, but this was how the man shared himself to the tree. with a single word the tree felt the man's pain. the man tapped the tree with the lightest touch - it was as if the tree had been touched by innocence. but the tree knew otherwise. "well, I'm off." said the man. "i have a job to do." with these parting words the man left.

the evening sun was peaking in the horizon and the tree cried as it watch the man leave. hollow, alone, and trapped.

she doesn't know

I had been bound by solid walls the past few days. relentless are the thoughts that haunt me. they come when all ease has come to me. they strike silently and precise - straight through my solitary being. they are like assassins that attack when you least expect them. the culprits of these recent emotions are my immediate environment - my job, my friends, my family, myself, and the girl that doesn't know.

a mixture of excitement and anxiety, happiness and sorrow, contentment and regret,... I gladly said yes to the job. I took it as a challenge and I liked it. I was actually ecstatic to hear about it. but, I miss my friends already in the 3 days that I have been gone. I miss my home, my family. I miss my bed. I miss her. most often, I miss her. it has been quite a while since I missed anyone like this. I tried not to think about it. it just gives me grief. but, it always comes back.

I resort to pondering on the matter, thinking I could find a way around it. finding a hole that could convince me to let go or... at least just to ease the feeling that's been growing. trying to convince myself that it isn't "meant to be". foolish, i know it is. but I just can't do it. not now. I fear the things that have happened might repeat itself. I fear pain - the pain of loss. I fear I might shut away everyone again. Afraid of letting my universe revolve around one soul. letting it collapse around one being that would inevitably let go. I want nothing more to tell her "I care" - "so much" - but I can't bring myself to do it. All my better judgment is telling me to just tell her, but all my bitter judgment tells me not to do so "It will kill the excitement I feel" it says. a chance in which the consequences, I know will either make or totally break me. My emotional state is not that stable to take another blow. some people ask me if I love her. I can't say yes, but I can't say no either. they say I like to play it safe. well, i do. the thing is... love does not come that easy for me. I don't believe in falling in love. it grows in me, I guess. I can't see a person I like one day and say "oooh I love this person!" it goes much deeper. But, i know when it happens. i know, but I can't be certain. I guess I already know. I just can't tell myself that I love a person and choose not to be with her. Its better when I'm uncertain. things are easier. I might regret them, but that's the way it goes. I've regretted a lot before and I've lived through it. I just can't say the same if I get torn apart again.

and so, i resort to caring from a distance... a safe distance... hoping that she'll be OK, that no harm comes to her... hoping that she'd be happy or happier as the case maybe. deep down,though.... I picture the perfect moment and I would like nothing more than to say.......
"I love you, J - - -"

surreal

staring at the ceiling, guitar in my hands, and pretending to sing as if I knew the words, I barely blinked when all seemed too surreal. I had a smile that I believed was unfazed by the violent pounding of the ocean below to the rocks facing it. no worries, no sighs, no mid-December cry. tears did not flow nor did the heartbreaks continue. I was in bliss. I kept staring. But the subject of my stare was no longer the monotonous white painted ceiling, rather a colorful glow of the horizon when the sun was starting to shine. I stood up and felt the rays, extended my arms and prayed... of what, I can only guess... but as my spirit flew, there was a sudden jolt. the earth rumbled and the sky instantly collapsed. there was darkness in sight and I did not assert. I stood motionless, giving in without a fight. stunned, scared,... the adjectives would be endless if I would describe the moment, but all would be negative. I break down and the all too familiar drop of salty liquid fell to the ground. for heaven's sake, I could go no more. a tortured soul can only take so much. as these thoughts entered my mind, I was eased. the pain had gone and the bright light back in my sight, darkness vanished and looked up in awe. a sigh of relief would come next. It was over, but I decide to brace myself in case it came back. no sooner had I braced myself when, I felt the warmth of my angel embrace me. my heart melted and my feet shook. happiness was flooding me and it all took one touch. I dared myself to look back and there she was... arms wrapped tight around me and head leaned against me. I had her in my arms. I smiled. she looks at me with her eyes piercing through my soul, looking into the debts of my character and.....
then she rings... it was 7:30 in the morning, the alarm clock sounded its warning. another day to live... another morning to cherish... another evening to look forward to when again I feel love's embrace...

talk the talk, walk the walk

Talk the talk.... I only wish i had the strength to walk the walk...
Recently I had a very odd conversation with a very odd fellow... I guess I never really took him seriously... the conversation seemed all too 'plastic' for me... I left the room and decided I’d go for a little stroll around the city... But before I could reach for the knob, he called me and said: Pipo while you're walking around, ask yourself if you're happy... Ask yourself if you're happy with where you are right now... At that moment the question seemed Preposterous... I knew I was happy... I was smiling for goodness sake... Of course I was happy... With a smirk on my face, I left the office to pursue a thought I knew was in my head but I couldn't quite get to it... My feet took me as far as Panganiban and around Magsaysay... I never really knew where I was headed or what I was thinking... All I knew was that I was alone and I didn’t have the usual smile printed on my horrifying face... There was a load somewhere beneath my extremely thick shell... A load so minute, so small, yet so heavy... What was it? I decided that pondering on something so ridiculously small would be a waste of my time... So I left it alone... All of a sudden this question pops so strangely in my empty head: are you happy? Were you smiling OR WERE YOU SMILING? Then I came to a halt... How ironic it was that there was an intersection just a few meters ahead... Did I make the right decision? I asked myself... Do I make right decisions? Will I ever be able to make right decisions?.... I so often talk so big I catch myself shrinking inside... Thinking I could never walk the walk... Then insecurities take over my system and I fade into the world's background... Just another speck... Just another sad, pathetic Joe who never found out the answers to anything... I never wanted to be this man... But I guess I have to learn to deal with it... I am who I am... As much as I try to change for anyone... I will always be who I am... From my few strengths to a lot of weaknesses... I am me... I will always be me... I know its sad... But this is who I am... A sad, pathetic being... A being who sometimes long for the thrill of a good, loud SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

maskara

isang balat na gawang tao –
naitatago rito ang totoo.
sa maskarang ito,
nawawala ang “ako.”
‘di makilala,
ang sarili niya,
sa loob ng maskara.

pagsuot nito –
nawawala ang takot –
nawawala ang hiya –
walang pakundangang gumagawa –
ng mga bagay na ayon sa kanyang ginhawa.

ang aparatong ito –
nagsisilbing balat-kayo –
sa buhay na ayaw –
ng taong humihiyaw.

sa iba,
ang maskara ay siya –
walang “siya” –
walang “ako” –
kung wala ito.
kung wala ang maskarang gamit ko.

There were times when I tried to find what was left of me, but I couldn’t for one reason or another. I tried looking for it in solace, in a deafening laughter of grief, in a bottle colored blood red. Still, there’s nothing. I’ve been empty for the remainder of what would be this year until a found some signs of a genuine smile. The irony of this is that I wasn’t even trying to find it this time. It just, sort of, came. The next thing I know, I’m writing with spontaneity again. The words, like they used to, flowed out of my fingers with the greatest fluency once more. I guess you can call it an inspiration.

A week ago when things found its place. I saw one in the midst of the crowd. Unexpectedly, she twirled her head gracefully towards me. I was of course taken in complete surprise. Was she new here? I didn’t know. But I wanted to know. I never did ask though. I never asked about her. I just looked. From a distance, I waited for her to come in. Usually, disappointed when she left without me knowing. I’d glance when she smiled. But never did I ask whose splendid smile was this that never fails to brighten my day. I decided I’d just let it all hang back. There’s nothing wrong with having a crush after all. A day or two after, I had the weirdest experience. I was actually conversing with the lady and I had no idea it was her. I had my usual perk and energy, but when I found out – oh hell I was stood with utmost awe. I was so embarrassed, I kept hiding. I couldn’t even look her way. Of course, I’d occasionally slip a glance or two. Even then, I felt like I should just smile. Some of the times I’d actually wish she’d smile back, but it so happens that I couldn’t even take a look at her long enough for her to notice. It was pathetic, I have to admit. But let me tell you this one thing, it was worth it.

Three hours have passed when we parted ways. I actually had the guts to swing by her way. Guts? Yes! Haven’t I mentioned she was like a goddess? Anyway, it was then when I jumped uncontrollably. I did not know why. All I knew was this: I was like a kid with his first bike. I guess it was an after effect. “Kilig” if you will. I know it sounds a bit girly, but what the heck. There is no other word for it. Simply put, my entire night shone so bright I could have worn shades to my hearts delight.

This one story I’d would love to explore, sad to say I have neither the charm, the look, nor the courage to make her glance my way.

my goddess

I saw my goddess today(11/13/05)
refined as can be
liberal at the same time.
I only hope that my stare,
although penetrating it may be,
would not be a crime.
I saw my goddess today
my knees buckled and my hands shook
I felt like melted clay.
amazement, awe, crush
however you may call it
I still praise this glorious day
because I saw my goddess today.
I passed by my goddess today
I could not help it,
I was smiling in such a special way.
proud, I certainly was
few have had the pleasure, I'm sure
of crossing paths with a goddess's way.
I glance timidly
at my goddess.
my morning's glorious imagery,
my most outstanding moment
driving me to chivalry
I saw my goddess today.

malmig na hangin ang regalo ng dilim
ngunit sa gabing ako'y kinakain na ng aking lagim
naalala ko ang init ng aking damdamin
tuwing siya'y darating
nagsilbing armas, panangga,
at kumot na rin
hindi mapagkaila
ang aking pagkasabik
sa muling pagpasyal
ng aking giliw...
isang mainit na liyab
ng aking damdamin
ang sumabay sa gabing malamig
mulat na mulat
at mga ngiting kumikinang
sandata ko sa bagyong parating...

To whom it may concern:

Greetings! I would like to inform you, with deep regret that I am resigning from the position I am currently holding in the the Federation of Life Long Search for Truth, Love, and God. I cannot continue serving the FLLSTLG because I am running from the life I am currently in. I am not sure how long I’ll be running so I won’t let the organization be led into thinking that I can still do my job.

It has been my pleasure serving the organization under your guidance and leadership. I would like to assure you and the future batch of officers that I will continue serving the organization in whatever way I can. But, I will not be directly involved. Most of the time, you’ll find me hiding under a wreck trying to poke success out of its shell.

Thank you for accepting my cowardice.


Sincerely,
PIPO

gone for good

Too much given
too much asked
I would prefer to continue
but I know it wouldn't last
pieces and bits all over mt past
came together and made me who i was...
who I am..
at last...
I moved on
or so I say
don't worry father
I'm ready to go away
I'll be out of your hair
and on my own
see you when I see you
please let me go...
Bye pops... I'm going and gone...

The wound gets bigger
As you feed my desires
Internal torture
Leaves wounds unnoticed
Each tear stings
With every dying memory of you
I dwell on my thoughts
Of the happy moments we shared
I never thought That one sentence would be the end
The end of your love For me…
The end of your kindness For me….
Break me.
You do it every time
Yet I’m always there
Whenever you call for me
I answer with a smile
Ignoring the death within
And I deliver
We’re one for an instant
Then I retreat to my hell
You retreat to a serene place
And all is done
I’m sorry this is so torturous
I constantly tell myself
I’m sorry
I’m naïve
I tell the others
Yet no one understands
How beautiful I think you are
No one can relate
To the feelings within
Blood is forever Love is forever.

same damn shit on a different day

tuesday,.. 3 am... I must have done something wrong. I thought all the hurt was over. I guess I was wrong. with a sudden burst of emotions, a mixed feeling of loneliness, rage, jealousy, longing, I had once again felt my tears flow. Was it the quiet evening that triggered this? I had no idea. Or I had no intention of exploring this emotion that deeply wounded me.

I had once learned that the art of letting go was to detach yourself from the experience and move on to a new one. I thought it would be easy. I have done it before - or so I thought. I forced myself so much to think that I was letting go. forcing myself to think that I was done with her. I wasn't though. I keep hiding behind the lies I tell people. "how are you?" they ask. my immediate reply is this: "fine." Or "kumusta na kamo ni ----?" I would immediately respond with a "paki ko man saiya. May buhay man akong sadiri." I kept trying so hard to put the pieces back together. I didn't want to be alone and vulnerable. I had a fixed answer for every question that would possibly relate to her. "It's gone." That is what I keep telling myself. but the truth is... it was still there. it showed up that morning. somehow, I have to believe its over. there are new emotions to explore. why am I wasting time trying to figure out this one? what the hell is so special with this one girl? love? FUCK LOVE!!! Now that's definite!!!

Its like the song goes... "somebody left your heart in the cold"... So FUCKING WHAT!!!! I've been through harder things.... I lived through them... I'll live through this one..... I bid you adiue and hope things for you turn out the way it ought to and the way you want it to be......

in search

i found something i really did not want to see at this point.

sometimes you just can't ontrol the things around you no matter how hard you try. it's scary. I always like to be in control. but at some point you look around and you find out your face-to-face with something unexpected. in my case, i don't do much about it. I'm not really sure if i get startled or just too much in awe of it that i neglect the fact that it's there in the first place. it sucks especially when something you've hoped to come at an expected time comes before you're ready to accept it.

love for example. it has funny ways of discarding you and funny ways to get you back on your feet. but sometimes you become too engulfed at the time you see is fit and unconsciously you throw it away.
what an irony it is when you want something and just when it shows up you shut yourself from it. teenagers! huh! what a crazy life we live. it hilarious, though, to think that we find it so difficult to run a life that's so simple. we complain too much about it and hope we grow up faster than we should. then, well, we grow old and hope that we were young again. bringing back in our memories the times of glory and defeat, the chants, chears, and beers. it's how life works, i guess. we continually look for something that's not there and fail to see most of the time the things that are there.

i have recently jammed with my friends after i've been gone for about 10 months or so. they asked me where i've been and i said "i've been around." i've been around with the girl i really love that is. they had a few complains about ditching them when i had her, but it mellowed away. i found myself sharing with them all the time i could spend - one in particular. i've been looking out for it. then again. it's not the right time. what the heck... nevermind... she's a friend... although they recently broke up too... well, i can tell... she's already taken... best to keep distance... hell, it's not like she cares...(that's called sour-graping by the way)

The day she walked away
There was nothing I could say
She made up her mind
Decided to act blind
She saw the tears
She saw the fears
She heard the crying
She heard the dying
My heart burst from all the pain
I was the one who lost the game
I pushed too hardI pushed too fast
I pushed in the wrong direction
I knew the feeling wouldn’t last
She loved meI can’t deny
What did I do?
I made her cry
One day I realized
I was wrongBut it was too late
She was gone
I tried my best
To win her back
It wasn’t meant to be
I was cut no slack
Every crime I had done
Was thrown in my face
She left my heart to bleed
With no solace

My time has come

My time has come. I am ready. Death is not as scary as most picture it. It’s actually beautiful, artistic – almost romantic. I am not anxious about its visit. I’ve lived my life as it should be lived and I do not regret any decision I’ve had in the past. My life was beautiful. I could not ask for more. All the time, I’ve struggled just to put into action the things I’ve lived by – the philosophies I believed. Chivalry runs in my veins. And as I come closer to my inevitable end, I am satisfied. I am satisfied that I have lived up to my knighthood – to my calling. Noble? Respectable? Fame? Glory? I do not care about any. Service... That I care about. I’ve chosen my profession not because of the inflow of riches it offers, but because of one simple reason – my drive to help. I have no riches to leave behind. I have no land or property to give that is worth boasting, no statues, and no plaques to show the next generation. All I have is the memory. The memory I left in their hearts. It is enough to satisfy this dying old corpse. To my family: stay firm and together. I have considered you as my own. I love you. I am confident that I have taught you enough to live a life of value and dedication. I am proud of you. Mom, Dad... I’ll be joining you soon. To my love... I never left your side. I was there when you cried for help. I was there when you wept. I was there when you laughed. My happiness was your happiness. My pain is your tears. You have found your life. You have found the one who completes you. Take care of him. Take care of your young. Take care, especially, of yourself. I love you still. Though I know in my heart that it was never meant to be, I still waited. Someone once told me “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” In the end, as romantic as I tried to be, romance was never for me. I never found another. No one could replace you. Service to my community, to my country... It became my romance. It became my meaning. I see your smile in each child I help care for. I see your eyes in each glittering look they gave me. At least I found my love of a lifetime... A love to last my whole life through... Forever in my heart...

on the velvet black sky overhead, I tried to wish i had more strength. not only in terms of my emotional state, but with every thing i do. I could do nothing except to think of what could have been. I struggled to look for some distant spark of a star that would give me hope. there was none... all i saw was the constant motion of dark clouds threatening to shower me with sorrowful memories. misty eyed, i tried for once not to cry over a memory. I forced myself to think of anything other than this dream of a relationship that i wished could have lasted. but the dream was overwhelmingly powerful... too powerful in fact... at that point I was thankful it rained. that way noone would notice the tears dropping from my eyes to the rusty rooftop. i had to content myself with my own embrace. trying hard to replicate the comfort she offered me. I began to miss her even more. the warm hug she gives me when i need it most, the soulful touch i experience whenever she took my hand, the euphoric kisses on my cheeks... it's ok... now, i had the chilly embrace of the gentle breeze that passes so often in my room, the touch of my lifeless pillow as i bury my face into its softness, and the kiss of a cold bottle labeled "red horse". I so often write about frustrations and anger i direct only to myself. who else is there to be angry of? I was the one who did absolutely nothing. i was the one who was weak. i was the one who was lacking. never had i been more sensitive than i am now. i feel as if i had been reduced to substance lower than shit - if that is even possible. I'm not sure about this, but i guess - "sadyang ganito ang nagmamahal". "asahan mong hindi ako magdaramdam kahit ako'y nasasaktan". i miss you. so much.

bended knees

I fell on my knees weeping. I did not know where I went wrong. I was so engulfed in sorrow; I could not hold my tears from pouring onto the floor. They flowed through my closed eye lids like a leak in a faucet. I sobbed at every memory that flashed in my mind. Dull and lifeless, I groped for a mark of some sort, a sign that would lead me back to her. I could not find any. I crouched helplessly in the middle of a dark and empty space. I tried to hold on to what I had left, my sanity. But, it too, slipped away from my grip.I lay down on the cold damp floor weary and worried. I have lost all control. I crawl towards a dark corner thinking I could escape the hurt. Crumpled in that corner, I fail to recognize the things that are relevant in my currently miserable existence. I am locked in my own pool of grief and hate. I wallow in a pain that can never be eased by mere pleasures. I yearn for a love I can no longer have. I have lost. I am lost. My vision, my goals, my plans; they vanished with her love for me. For some unknown cause, the wind blew them away.Where did I go wrong? I clenched my fist hoping I can still hold on to a hand that wont let me go as well. But, I was reaching out to nothing but the wind that blew I grinded my teeth in frustration. I ended blaming myself,.... hurting myself. Angry and despaired, I became immobile. I was swallowed by the monsters of love. My being was dissolved in the solvent of life. I am, once more, buried under the faces of the worlds rushing crowds. I am left with nothing... nothing but the love that still circulates in my chest... nothing but the love I will keep inside the treasure box of my heart...