death

I have had the pleasure of being with my grandmother for 19 years. I found her intimidating in most ways, but never have I experienced anything other than love from her. It's so surprising how two people can better be united by death. most of the time people think that death is the end of a union. however, I don't believe so. I have found out that death becomes a powerful way to make you closer. perhaps closer than you ever thought possible.
I could not deny the fact that I mourned. I was shocked when the news came. It seemed to soon. It seemed as though there were too many things left undone and things left unsaid. I never really showed my care or any form of love towards her. non-the-less, I loved her like she was my own mother.
her death, sudden and surprising as it had been, had absolutely opened my eyes to new doors. doors I never thought I would open in this lifetime or the next. I was not given the chance to tell her I loved her. Actually, now that I've thought about it... I was given my whole life to tell her I loved her, but somehow I never did... a mistake I hope I had not make. life for her was too short lived. at least, the life she should have experienced with me.

although, I was a factor in that matter. I had noticed too late that my visits meant more than it was seen to be. I regret the fact that I was dumb enough not to notice. Every time I heard a news that she was in the hospital, my heart lept. I felt my knees buckle and I find myself in front of my inner altar... praying... for her safety and health...
I had hoped to be there beside her as she waved the world goodbye. But I had neglect my responsibilities early on in the year... I would later find out that the consequence to my actions would be more than I could bear...
As she leaves this world and on to a better place... I wish her well... I wish that my tears would say how I feel... pho pho, much as I wasn't with you... I hope my love reaches you... I offer you the remaining time of my college education and dedicate my efforts in your memory... I had failed to say this when you were here and lively and now it's too late...

I love you Pho Pho... I hope you know that... I appreciate the stories and the advice... I appreciate the time you made me smile... your care and the affection that you've shown... I feel as though I had failed you... for that I am sorry...
I wish that this message would reach you... Is there an Internet in heaven?... I hope the connections there are clear... and as I type this journal... you are in my mind... and you will always be in my heart.... I love you pho pho... I love you...