she doesn't know
I had been bound by solid walls the past few days. relentless are the thoughts that haunt me. they come when all ease has come to me. they strike silently and precise - straight through my solitary being. they are like assassins that attack when you least expect them. the culprits of these recent emotions are my immediate environment - my job, my friends, my family, myself, and the girl that doesn't know.
a mixture of excitement and anxiety, happiness and sorrow, contentment and regret,... I gladly said yes to the job. I took it as a challenge and I liked it. I was actually ecstatic to hear about it. but, I miss my friends already in the 3 days that I have been gone. I miss my home, my family. I miss my bed. I miss her. most often, I miss her. it has been quite a while since I missed anyone like this. I tried not to think about it. it just gives me grief. but, it always comes back.
I resort to pondering on the matter, thinking I could find a way around it. finding a hole that could convince me to let go or... at least just to ease the feeling that's been growing. trying to convince myself that it isn't "meant to be". foolish, i know it is. but I just can't do it. not now. I fear the things that have happened might repeat itself. I fear pain - the pain of loss. I fear I might shut away everyone again. Afraid of letting my universe revolve around one soul. letting it collapse around one being that would inevitably let go. I want nothing more to tell her "I care" - "so much" - but I can't bring myself to do it. All my better judgment is telling me to just tell her, but all my bitter judgment tells me not to do so "It will kill the excitement I feel" it says. a chance in which the consequences, I know will either make or totally break me. My emotional state is not that stable to take another blow. some people ask me if I love her. I can't say yes, but I can't say no either. they say I like to play it safe. well, i do. the thing is... love does not come that easy for me. I don't believe in falling in love. it grows in me, I guess. I can't see a person I like one day and say "oooh I love this person!" it goes much deeper. But, i know when it happens. i know, but I can't be certain. I guess I already know. I just can't tell myself that I love a person and choose not to be with her. Its better when I'm uncertain. things are easier. I might regret them, but that's the way it goes. I've regretted a lot before and I've lived through it. I just can't say the same if I get torn apart again.
and so, i resort to caring from a distance... a safe distance... hoping that she'll be OK, that no harm comes to her... hoping that she'd be happy or happier as the case maybe. deep down,though.... I picture the perfect moment and I would like nothing more than to say.......
"I love you, J - - -"
a mixture of excitement and anxiety, happiness and sorrow, contentment and regret,... I gladly said yes to the job. I took it as a challenge and I liked it. I was actually ecstatic to hear about it. but, I miss my friends already in the 3 days that I have been gone. I miss my home, my family. I miss my bed. I miss her. most often, I miss her. it has been quite a while since I missed anyone like this. I tried not to think about it. it just gives me grief. but, it always comes back.
I resort to pondering on the matter, thinking I could find a way around it. finding a hole that could convince me to let go or... at least just to ease the feeling that's been growing. trying to convince myself that it isn't "meant to be". foolish, i know it is. but I just can't do it. not now. I fear the things that have happened might repeat itself. I fear pain - the pain of loss. I fear I might shut away everyone again. Afraid of letting my universe revolve around one soul. letting it collapse around one being that would inevitably let go. I want nothing more to tell her "I care" - "so much" - but I can't bring myself to do it. All my better judgment is telling me to just tell her, but all my bitter judgment tells me not to do so "It will kill the excitement I feel" it says. a chance in which the consequences, I know will either make or totally break me. My emotional state is not that stable to take another blow. some people ask me if I love her. I can't say yes, but I can't say no either. they say I like to play it safe. well, i do. the thing is... love does not come that easy for me. I don't believe in falling in love. it grows in me, I guess. I can't see a person I like one day and say "oooh I love this person!" it goes much deeper. But, i know when it happens. i know, but I can't be certain. I guess I already know. I just can't tell myself that I love a person and choose not to be with her. Its better when I'm uncertain. things are easier. I might regret them, but that's the way it goes. I've regretted a lot before and I've lived through it. I just can't say the same if I get torn apart again.
and so, i resort to caring from a distance... a safe distance... hoping that she'll be OK, that no harm comes to her... hoping that she'd be happy or happier as the case maybe. deep down,though.... I picture the perfect moment and I would like nothing more than to say.......
"I love you, J - - -"
posted by popi at 2:00 PM
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