same damn shit on a different day

tuesday,.. 3 am... I must have done something wrong. I thought all the hurt was over. I guess I was wrong. with a sudden burst of emotions, a mixed feeling of loneliness, rage, jealousy, longing, I had once again felt my tears flow. Was it the quiet evening that triggered this? I had no idea. Or I had no intention of exploring this emotion that deeply wounded me.

I had once learned that the art of letting go was to detach yourself from the experience and move on to a new one. I thought it would be easy. I have done it before - or so I thought. I forced myself so much to think that I was letting go. forcing myself to think that I was done with her. I wasn't though. I keep hiding behind the lies I tell people. "how are you?" they ask. my immediate reply is this: "fine." Or "kumusta na kamo ni ----?" I would immediately respond with a "paki ko man saiya. May buhay man akong sadiri." I kept trying so hard to put the pieces back together. I didn't want to be alone and vulnerable. I had a fixed answer for every question that would possibly relate to her. "It's gone." That is what I keep telling myself. but the truth is... it was still there. it showed up that morning. somehow, I have to believe its over. there are new emotions to explore. why am I wasting time trying to figure out this one? what the hell is so special with this one girl? love? FUCK LOVE!!! Now that's definite!!!

Its like the song goes... "somebody left your heart in the cold"... So FUCKING WHAT!!!! I've been through harder things.... I lived through them... I'll live through this one..... I bid you adiue and hope things for you turn out the way it ought to and the way you want it to be......