on the velvet black sky overhead, I tried to wish i had more strength. not only in terms of my emotional state, but with every thing i do. I could do nothing except to think of what could have been. I struggled to look for some distant spark of a star that would give me hope. there was none... all i saw was the constant motion of dark clouds threatening to shower me with sorrowful memories. misty eyed, i tried for once not to cry over a memory. I forced myself to think of anything other than this dream of a relationship that i wished could have lasted. but the dream was overwhelmingly powerful... too powerful in fact... at that point I was thankful it rained. that way noone would notice the tears dropping from my eyes to the rusty rooftop. i had to content myself with my own embrace. trying hard to replicate the comfort she offered me. I began to miss her even more. the warm hug she gives me when i need it most, the soulful touch i experience whenever she took my hand, the euphoric kisses on my cheeks... it's ok... now, i had the chilly embrace of the gentle breeze that passes so often in my room, the touch of my lifeless pillow as i bury my face into its softness, and the kiss of a cold bottle labeled "red horse". I so often write about frustrations and anger i direct only to myself. who else is there to be angry of? I was the one who did absolutely nothing. i was the one who was weak. i was the one who was lacking. never had i been more sensitive than i am now. i feel as if i had been reduced to substance lower than shit - if that is even possible. I'm not sure about this, but i guess - "sadyang ganito ang nagmamahal". "asahan mong hindi ako magdaramdam kahit ako'y nasasaktan". i miss you. so much.