help!!!!

shit comes once or twice in a lifetime and I can live with that... But dear Lord give me a break! is this still a lesson?! or are you just having fun watching me being tortured. there's only so much a wounded heart can take! My life is well lived. I don't think I've done any wrong to those around me. Why the karma?! why is everything falling right when I start building? I know it's shitty to ask, but why me?!!! for God's sake let me live my life!!! why do you keep the things I hold dear away from me?!!!! is it me?!!!! is there something wrong with me?!!! let me know, damn it!!! i need to know... please let me know... I wrote the words and shed the tears. I light the candle only to be extinguished. I find my treasure only to be taken away. I can feel my chest once more... imploding... as I walked through memory lane... first her, now HER... knowing that they could have given me that strength I needed to finish what you wanted me to finish... knowing that they could have given me the inspiration to walk through these other shits you've thrown at me.. and YOU! you take them away!!! what else do you what from my life that you have not yet taken?!!!! man this thing's crazy!!! No wonder I became an agnostic... I go to your church only to hear the priest preach the words you taught with which I sometimes disagree... I go to our sacred place in my heart, locking the doors for the privacy... and you stare at me... looking so malevolent and omniscient... I dare you to speak, but you never do... Lord what the hell must I do?!!! talk to me!!! I need you...

I kept everything inside... sometimes it hurts, but the hell... lesson learned... But Lord, I think my heart's already crowded... it's full and I can't take it!!!! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! holding on to these wonderfully excruciating memories just busts me wide open... I can feel my gut come out just when I start developing one!!! I AM THE MOST PATHETIC, USELESS, SORE, AND THE UNLUCKIEST INDIVIDUAL!!! Is this what you wanted for me?!!! suffer and learn?!!! and then suffer some more!!!! fuck you!!!! and fuck you some more!!!!!

dude... I only needed one that would go through winter, summer, spring, and fall with... I never asked you for more than one... is one too much to ask?!!! tell me this thing is leading me to better prepare for a future worth living... tell me there's some hope for me... tell me there's some higher logic out there... tell me that there's something really special that will come... I only need one dear Lord... just one... to ease the pain... to relieve me of this distress... just one... not a whole freakin' army... not one for every damn day of the week... JUST ONE!!!!!