departure

Again the feeling strikes and I could not hold back. It's like drowning... You know you're dying but can't say a word because you're scared to die even sooner...

It was 30 minutes past the hour of 7 when I realized she was going soon. I could not, in all certainty, keep her here as much as I wanted to. The fear immediately sank in. Will I see her again? Will I have this forgone chance again? Will I be able to her smile again?... I heard the goodbyes in my head with finality, but I chose not to listen. I did not want this to end.

As thoughts raced through my mind, I could not stop myself from feeling the emotions I have learned to suppress. Every organ in my body was pulling awkwardly now. It’s as if my mind was telling me to do something out of my comfort zone and my body refuses with every fiber it has. We got to the terminal a little sooner than I had hoped.

I became conscious that this time was to be cherished more than any other. She was there and that was what mattered. She was saying goodbye again... She was saying goodbye and I could not stop her… Tick Tock the clock teased. I only wished that time would shut up and do something useful - like staying still.

Every time I glanced her way, I felt different; soothed but at the same time longing… I did not want to see her go. But then again, butterflies need to fly.

8pm was closer now and she was getting ready to leave. As they laughed and cheered for the “next time”, I just watched and wept. Praying I would still be there when the “next time” happens.

The engine started and the horns gave their warnings. I heard her say her goodbyes and she was on her way. I could not, however, restrain myself anymore. Before she boarded the bus, I gave her the most affectionate hug I could muster. One hug that I hope would tell her: “I missed you and even though I can’t stop you from going I do not stop thinking of you.”

As she began climbing those seemingly endless stairs, my eyes begun to feel watery. Drops began to fall uncontrollably…

Sorrow greeted me again. Sorrow has been my constant companion. I hated sorrow. That’s why I loved her presence. Every time she’s around sorrow goes away and my face gives way to a smile. Dumb as I am, I could not tell her this.

I weep. Longing for the day when fate gives me another chance – trying to muster the courage to say…

"I love you even when words fail me...."