I needed to say sorry

I mentioned things a while back that really should not be mentioned. Perhaps I said them because I was too angry at people me included... Me most of all... When I first realized I was out of line, that all these things were really not in my control, it was too late. I had already thrown myself at the mercy of my own burning desire to screw everyone.

As the rage settled, I was not quick to the idea of fixing things. I savored everything - from the trouble I caused to the things that happened thereafter. I tasted what felt like victory.
But it wasn't... It was defeat... I had failed to recognize the things my rage made me do. there were no physical harm done. But I found a way to play with people's thoughts and feelings. I felt there morale broke down and the hope, that was love for most people, turned into agonizing experiences as I drove from the back seat.

I was at the top of my game. everybody was doing exactly what I thought they'd do. The psychological torture was simple - let them think I was down and out and hurt so bad I couldn't handle myself. All the while I creating a situation where I can implant thoughts into there heads that they thought was there's when in fact it was mine.

For all these things, I'm sorry... Before I leave, I wanted every single person involved... I'm sorry... from the depths of my soul... I'm sorry... no poems to decipher, no tricky words to look up, no sarcastic comments to mislead... just a simple letter to say I am truly sorry...

I grow up

Your hands were busy through the day,
You didn't have much time to play,
The little games I asked you to.
I'd bring my teddy bear
and ask you please to share my fun.
you'd always say "A little later son."
these words broke my heart.
And through the years we've grown apart.
You'd tuck me in all safe at night
And hear my prayers turn off the light.
you'd tiptoe softly to the door.
I wished you'd stayed a minute more.
late hour through the night
I hear you working 'till dark breaks to light.
times we've spent now are gone.
I hear you're footsteps from afar.
I wished you'd come,
Before I had gone...
My teddy bears are put away,
no prayers to hear, or games to play...
No longer at your side, no kisses or hugs goodnight
I wish I could
Go back and be
with the person who I see
As my mentor and hero...
and the greatest dad I could only wish to be...

my son grows up(dad's version)

My hands were busy through the day,
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to.
But when you'd bring your teddy bear
and ask me please to share your fun,
I'd say "A little later son."
I'd tuck you in all safe at night
and hear your prayers, turn off the light,
then tiptoe softly to the door.
I wish I could have stayed a minute more.
For life is short, the years rush past.
A little boy grows so fast.
No longer is he at my side.
His precious secrets to confide.
The teddy bears are put away,
there are no longer games to play,
No goodnight kiss, nor prayers to hear.
those all belong to yesteryears.
My hands once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill,
I wish I could
Go back and do
the little things
you asked me to...

an object is only as strong as its weakest point

An object is only as strong as its weakest point... that much I learned during the course of my 20 years or so in this miserable dump. I have fought a lot of struggles - from friends and family and vices... not to mention other pressures from other sources... at one point, I cracked and I'm not afraid to admit it... I took the blows, fought off my foes, and tried to drink away my woes... Hid he pain and stood my ground... never thought that all the things I did would turn the corner and head straight to where I was at...

the lessons I learned that day were as frustrating as it could get. no amount liquor could dry the tears, no amount of smoke could mask the fears. When all things fell apart, people stood still and waited for my long over-due homecoming. They stayed 'till late of night and early to meet my dawn...

these people were there when all hell broke loose... they waited... and stayed...

things don't usually go as planned. But no matter how filthy you get or how far down you've fallen, there are people in your life that will always give you the strength you need to hang on. Maybe you've met them maybe you haven't, but they’re there. And when you find your weakest point they manage to find away to keep you from breaking. Thank God for people like them.

Because of them, I don't think life is as fucked up as it used to...